20 minutes...

I often ponder what is the best thing that I've ever bought (because that is the sort of crap that my brain will fill in its day doing). It's an interesting thing to think about and all of us will have often used it in passing conversation i.e. "it was the best car I ever owned...", but do you know what the best thing you've ever owned is - all things considered i.e. category, price, usage and age, independent?

Yesteday, I thought that, perhaps, I had just bought the worst thing in my whole life... (which includes my first ever album - a Willie Nelson record, which I had bought at age 7 because I saw an ad on TV and I liked 'wee' bit of one lyric, thinking the whole album would be like that - boy, did I learn a harsh, early lesson about advertising and marketing that youthful day)!

Being information-cautious in this 21st century, I'm quite careful about what I throw out with my domestic rubbish. For example, I certainly never throw out bank bills and, generally, no normal bills, nor even addressed data for that matter. Around where I live (really, it is not that bad), I have now, twice, spotted some hobos wandering off with some rubbish bags from our communal rubbish area. The first time I saw one of these guys I couldn't be sure, but the second time I saw this guy coming out of the area with a black rubbish sack slung over his shoulder, I knew we had problems.

So, with those events in mind, I've been even more cautious recently. Meanwhile, my business rubbish bin was overflowing with 'possibly' sensitive rubbish that I just didn't want to throw out. Up in the center of town yesterday, I was passing one of those budget shops and saw a paper shredder for £10, which is pretty cheap.

2 minutes of compulsive shopping later and I was heading home with my new piece of kit. Back in the apartment, I pulled it out of the box and then read the brief instructions (experience has bashed it into me to always review instructions) prior to firing the little fella up.

Anyhoose, I plugged it in and away I went - furiously shredding paper like there was no tomorrow (or George Bush's academic 'evolution' review team). The machine was going for it like a rabid motormower and I was about 20 minutes into it, when it went 'Grrrr - uhh...!" (you try describing the sound of a shredder crapping out) and that was it - no sound, no noise, nada!

So I sat there looking at this thing thinking "you're kidding - that is it, you've crapped out after 20 minutes of usage?", in a very John McEnroe tone I said out loud "YOU CAN NOT BE SERIOUS...". I mean, I've bought some shit stuff in my time, but 20 minutes for a mechanical device to crap out is unbelievable by anyones standards - only BT could come up with that sort of quality product!

Fiddling around with the thing for a while, I ultimately turned it upside down and on the underside of the motor I discovered its manufacturing tag that had, in very small writing, the words "INTERMITTENT OPERATION - 2 mins on 25 mins off". Oh shit, I thought - don't tell me I've just fried the little bugger.

I double checked the instructions and there was no mention of this operating limitation anywhere to be found. Anyway, I had to go out so I just left it be and hoped it had just overheated.

Many hours later and I'm back at home and I plug the little monkey back and, low and behold, it worked fine again. Life eh, gotta laugh...!

So, whatever is your current most beloved and trustworthy item whether it be a car, tv or vibrator - give it a wee hug tonight when you get home, you never know when it is going to shit itself...