mental note to self: 1a

Dear brain,

When you have fish for dinner the night before, don't forget to take the rubbish out the next day...

• do not wander aimlessly around the house, looking for the source of the particularly troubling smell,
• do not think that it must have ingrained itself into the walls,
• do realise that if it is getting worse throughout the day, then there is definitely some form of a problem,
• do not think that it has ingrained itself in your clothes,
• if it is getting worse, do something about it,
  
• do not think that it has ingrained itself in your skin,
• do not try and pretend it is not that bad,
  
• do not open lots of windows for 2 hours, risking pneumonia, in the idle hope of removing smell,
• do not, necessarily, blame yourself for the smell (you may be getting older but come on),
• do not think that the cause must be the leftover food which is in a closed fridge,
• note 1b: if it was yesterday's leftovers - throw them away,
• do not ignore the problem,
• if it has happened before (and it has) then remember what caused it last time,
• do not have abstract thoughts of dead mammals under the floorboards,
• do not look out the window in the idle imagination of a malignant seagull flying by (or circling),
  
• do take out the firkin' rubbish!

"I'm a lot funnier with a moustache..."

In the words of Jason Lee, regarding his new role as Earl Hickey in 'My Name is Earl', "I'm a lot funnier with a moustache...!". Great quip and even funnier since it is not even part of the program.

He's an awesome actor, is absolutely natural in front of the camera and seems to be a fun sort of guy to boot. In the same article, he was reflecting how he can't wait for the season to be over so he can shave the bloody thing off - although, since he has now caught chicken pox and they've had to close the set, that is not going to be for a while dude!

I caught chicken pox off my nephews once when I was 21. I was dropping off their Christmas presents and the little buggers infected me with the virus. If you know anything about chicken pox, then you'll know that it is not a very nice thing to catch as an adult (not a bundle of laughs as a kid either, i'm sure). In it's adult variant, It is more commonly known as 'shingles' and it absolutely drove me nuts.

It took 6-months to get rid of the bloody thing (well, get rid of it in the 'moved to the base of my spine' sense) which was not helped by the daft doctor who took about 3 months to diagnose it correctly (knowing more about the condition now, post-trauma, so to speak, this guy must have been a real Dumbo - since it is relatively common and the symptoms are pretty straight-forward even for a bozo GP (... he probably studied it on day 2 at 'Dr Doolittles school of doctoring for the enthusiastic beginner').

There have been 2 classic episodes of 'My Name is Earl' on UK TV recently, one where he went home with a biker girl from a party ("I went home with a Harley and woke up with a Moped") and another where he discovered the joys of free beer after someone scores a hole in one at golf. That latter episode had a tonne of references to 'Smokey and the Bandit' which were weaved particularly well into the storyline. At one stage, when his brother Randy turns around and says "c'mon" or something, and then "...we've got a long way to go and a short time to get there!". It was so subtle that I just about missed it, but when I clocked it - I almost slopped my dripper with laughter!

At the end of that particular episode, there were a number of outtakes from the weeks filming (which they don't normally include) and it seems that the real life Jason Lee is not that far removed from his character - just a naturally funny, full of life guy! I love the fact that he is an ex-Pro skateboarder and I think that shows in how he moves and handles his body on set (i.e. the break dancing at his own birthday – done to look 'inappropriate at his age', but you could tell he 'really' could do it properly). I hope they do an episode where there is some skateboarding involved. That, I believe, could have the potential to be one of the funniest sitcoms ever. Perhaps the plot could be something like helping out some under-privileged kids, whereupon he decides to set up a skate bowl, or something. Naturally, at first, he is completely useless and continually hurts himself but, as the storyline develops, he really takes to it and, ultimately, ends up doing some really crazy shit (as he can, I'm sure) - cue blown away looks from the local gromits!

Out of interest, two other quasi-professional skaters are Jason Priestly and Michael J Fox - both were ex-Senior level ice hockey players in Canada (and both just about went Pro). Whatever you may think of their acting, I've seen respective episodes where their skating was brought into the story (Priestly on ice skates and Fox on rollerblades - quite a few times on 'Spin City', actually) and, even though I knew they had these hidden talents, it was fantastic to see them do their thing - when you're so used to them 'just' being an actor.

Case in point being someone like Orlando Bloom - he just strikes me as a big bunny, if ever I saw one (breaking down in tears if it starts to rain on set, kinda 'high-maintenance-trailer-princess'). The sort of guy who can't act 'standing still'. I speak out of term, obviously, because I don't know the guy personally - but If you watch him during the action sequences of 'Pirates of the Caribbean' or 'Kingdom of Heaven', you can just tell it took tonnes of takes to make him not look like the most uncoordinated Wabbit ever to hop on the silver screen. He is completely at odds with his body and every movement whether it be with a sword or on horse-back, looks completely contrived, stiff and awkward.

Sadly, Wikipedia reckons Jason Lee is a Scientologist which brings him down in my estimation somewhat, but, as things stand, he is still 'just about' on my list of folk to come to a dinner party (this is in the 'currently living' category) - behind, in no particular order, Stephen Fry, Richard Branson, Michael Palin, Hermann Maier, Bill Clinton, Richard Dawkins and some others who I forget now, off the top of my head (Michelle Gomez springs to mind but she isn't really one. She is the wee Scottish lassie off 'Green Wing' (she plays Sue White - the absurd HR manager) who, frankly, seems just absolutely out there and the sort of person that would be great to have a beer with! Great news for those who know and love the program, I saw an advert on Ch4 the other day saying that series 2 of 'Green Wing' is about to air (in March) – so hang onto your hats folks, it's back!

Thinking about it, I forget now who is on my full list of dead folk that I'd like to have at a dinner party - Charlemagne (the Father or Europe) would be there and so too would be, probably, Gaius Julius Caesar. I'd actually be tempted to dig up Cato as well, since it would be fun to see him and Caeser kick off - again. But, it would probably all end up in tears - since they have somewhat unfinished business and I'd imagine Caesar would still be pretty miffed at Cato for his suicide (robbing Caesar of the gracious act of pardoning him for his morally correct indisgressions).

It's karma, Gaius, just karma...

new book

Got a new book at the library today "Yellow Dog" by Martin Amis. A friend had recommended him to me in 1988, so I thought I had better get around to reading one of his books. Thanks Dane - wherever you are. Oddly enough I met his brother by accident in Europe once, many years later, and we travelled around in my Combi together for a few months. There was another girl with us too for quite a while and, I believe, they subequently got married... so it goes...

He'd also recommended Hunter S Thompson & Kurt Vonnegut as well, of whose books I did get around to reading (in less than 2 decades)... so it goes...

For someone who prides themself on not reading novels, I seem to be reading a lot of them recently... so it goes...

20 minutes...

I often ponder what is the best thing that I've ever bought (because that is the sort of crap that my brain will fill in its day doing). It's an interesting thing to think about and all of us will have often used it in passing conversation i.e. "it was the best car I ever owned...", but do you know what the best thing you've ever owned is - all things considered i.e. category, price, usage and age, independent?

Yesteday, I thought that, perhaps, I had just bought the worst thing in my whole life... (which includes my first ever album - a Willie Nelson record, which I had bought at age 7 because I saw an ad on TV and I liked 'wee' bit of one lyric, thinking the whole album would be like that - boy, did I learn a harsh, early lesson about advertising and marketing that youthful day)!

Being information-cautious in this 21st century, I'm quite careful about what I throw out with my domestic rubbish. For example, I certainly never throw out bank bills and, generally, no normal bills, nor even addressed data for that matter. Around where I live (really, it is not that bad), I have now, twice, spotted some hobos wandering off with some rubbish bags from our communal rubbish area. The first time I saw one of these guys I couldn't be sure, but the second time I saw this guy coming out of the area with a black rubbish sack slung over his shoulder, I knew we had problems.

So, with those events in mind, I've been even more cautious recently. Meanwhile, my business rubbish bin was overflowing with 'possibly' sensitive rubbish that I just didn't want to throw out. Up in the center of town yesterday, I was passing one of those budget shops and saw a paper shredder for £10, which is pretty cheap.

2 minutes of compulsive shopping later and I was heading home with my new piece of kit. Back in the apartment, I pulled it out of the box and then read the brief instructions (experience has bashed it into me to always review instructions) prior to firing the little fella up.

Anyhoose, I plugged it in and away I went - furiously shredding paper like there was no tomorrow (or George Bush's academic 'evolution' review team). The machine was going for it like a rabid motormower and I was about 20 minutes into it, when it went 'Grrrr - uhh...!" (you try describing the sound of a shredder crapping out) and that was it - no sound, no noise, nada!

So I sat there looking at this thing thinking "you're kidding - that is it, you've crapped out after 20 minutes of usage?", in a very John McEnroe tone I said out loud "YOU CAN NOT BE SERIOUS...". I mean, I've bought some shit stuff in my time, but 20 minutes for a mechanical device to crap out is unbelievable by anyones standards - only BT could come up with that sort of quality product!

Fiddling around with the thing for a while, I ultimately turned it upside down and on the underside of the motor I discovered its manufacturing tag that had, in very small writing, the words "INTERMITTENT OPERATION - 2 mins on 25 mins off". Oh shit, I thought - don't tell me I've just fried the little bugger.

I double checked the instructions and there was no mention of this operating limitation anywhere to be found. Anyway, I had to go out so I just left it be and hoped it had just overheated.

Many hours later and I'm back at home and I plug the little monkey back and, low and behold, it worked fine again. Life eh, gotta laugh...!

So, whatever is your current most beloved and trustworthy item whether it be a car, tv or vibrator - give it a wee hug tonight when you get home, you never know when it is going to shit itself...

C'mon the Herminator...

Go boy - this is it, one last chance. The silver the other day was phenominal, but you NEED that gold...!

hangin' in there...

mmm-hun! Hangin' in there team...

If January was the sort of dreamy month when you slept 3 girls in one night, then February is following day - when you got 3 STD's, 2 of which are curable...