"Watch this..."

How to make an impression at a party...

Many moons ago as a somewhat younger fella, I was at a party in a rather 'upmarket' part of city. I was there with a group of friends and we had made our way in via some tenuous association with someone who 'did' actually have a proper invite to the party.

The house of the party was on a massive property with sweeping balcony and an immaculately landscaped garden. All completed with a sturdy retaining fence that braced the distant horizon...

As we arrived at this party and looked upon the crowd, it was already well abuzz with 200+ well-heeled and good-looking people already there.

Not really knowing anyone and being from the Western part of the city - which, at the time, was more known for its brethren wearing black jumpers 24/7, with long hair and driving V8 muscle cars - we were more than happy to stand in our own little muddle, getting merrily, pished.

As the evening wore on and a drought developed, I drew the short straw and was press-ganged into going out to the car to get some more drinks. With the party even busier now, I really couldn't be bothered navigating my way back through the labyrinth of a house, or throngs of strangers... of a party that I not really been invited to in the first place anyway!

As a crow would fly, the car was probably not more than 100 feet away from where our group had gathered and pretty much directly on the other side of the fence. Being a bit rubbered by now, I had a clever idea and figured I could use some gymnastic skills to get over the fence and straight back to the car... saving 10 minutes of party navigation.

Now, I'm no gymnast to be sure, but, at the time, back in ones' halcyon '20-something' days, I was pretty competent at jumping over things of various shape and size.

My basic method for clearing something like this was to approach it at high speed and jump up & at it, aiming to hit the crest of the fence with my hips and midsection. At that contact point, I could immediately roll forward, place my hand 1/2 way down the other side, all ready to use it as a fulcrum to flick over. 

My forward momentum would continue to rotate my lower body over me and the obstacle itself. As my legs came through overhead (me now fully inverted), I could release hold of everything, begin to roll my body 180 degrees, ready to land cleanly on the other side, facing in the right direction (this was learnt from swimming with tumble turns and a life-time of ice skating / ice hockey where, amongst other things, we used to jump over waist-high walls at the rink, in order to get on / off the ice as quickly as possible).

When done correctly, it looks grands. Flipping over high walls, incorporating a roll and some 'hang time', to boot. Getting to maybe 8-10 feet in the air, completely inverted... before landing gracefully on the other side. All in a split-second and with a youthful, devil-may-care, attitude!

So, it was with this vision in mind and a couple of drinks under my belt, that I set off on the particular mission.

Without a single word to my friends, nor a moment's thought (... and 'OH!', to have that moment and a chance for thought back) I set off running towards the fence - at full speed.

As far as my group of friends knew and subsequently recalled, I was standing there normally one minute and then I was just off, running like hell at an innocent fence, all while shouting "WATCH THIS...!" at the top of my lungs.

The fence itself was about 6 1/2 high feet (2'ish metres). It had a wooden frame around each section and each panel in those sections (which measured 1.5 x 2 metres) were filled with a chipboard type material, which was about 8mm thick in itself.

In normal circumstances this whole stunt should have come off fine... well, I might have looked a youthful twat, but that is about it.

On this day however, in the middle of a VERY big party, on a VERY big lawn, with hundreds of VERY posh people watching me - it was all about to go SPECTACULARLY wrong!

Initially, everything went fine, just like it had 100 times before. I had the fence lined up perfectly and knew exactly where I needed to plant my right foot, in order to get a good launch platform...

And then, as I approached, it happened...

Just as I was about to take the penultimate step before the actual, final, 'launch step'... I caught my toe.

Not by much and, in fact, I doubt many people, if anyone, would have noticed that I tripped slightly at all.

But it was enough to lower my ever-so-imminent launch trajectory by about 3 feet, from the top of the fence, to the middle of it instead.

'Oh... shit!'
I remember nothing of the impact itself, as it was all over in a flash.

The chipboard provided little resistance and I just drilled a nice, slightly human-shaped cartoon hole, right though the middle of the wall.
On the other side of the fence, I tumbled... rolled once... and came to a halt sitting perfectly still on my arse, now facing back towards the direction that I had just come from.

From 'my' point of view - things were quite different now. I had just been inside a very busy party, with music pumping, lots of noise and people chatting away. Now, mere seconds later, I was sitting alone on the grass verge of a very quiet suburban street, looking back at a party, through a round hole in a fence, where hundreds of strangers were all, and I mean ALL, staring back at me - with absolutely incredulous looks on their faces!!!

From 'their' point of view - they had all just been enjoying a very nice summer's party when, all of a sudden, some dickhead had shouted out loudly "WATCH THIS!" and then run off madly with, seemingly, full intention, right at, and then through, a big wooden fence!

~ ~ ~

It was a humbling moment to say the least but, it must be said, I did get to meet the owners of the party... a whole lot of other folk besides... and pay for a new section to the fence!

Upon eventual return to my group of friends, I think it was Geoff who had politely and succinctly captured the moment, when he said "What the fuck did you do that for...?"

Now, even all these years later, I really don't know the exact moral of the story. In some ways there are many, but in another, I find it hard to capture a single one that captures the complete pathos...

It certainly brought my 'public' gymnastic displays to a very sudden and premature end... but not the adventures of Captain Fargon (just add booze), of course ;)

p.s. Here's a picture of Geoff at work:

Geoff - a talented craftsman & Master Builder

(although slightly prone to the odd accident)